You and Life Remain Beautiful

Have I mentioned how blessed I am to be surrounded by three amazing musicians that just have me in their band because, for some reason, I am cool to them?

I'd Rather Forget and Not Slow Down Than Gather Regret For The Things I Can't Change Now

Maybe it's a little preemptive, but I got the band and job thing in the bag here in Lancaster. Moving into Lancaster has been a huge blessing. The new apartment is super nice and I will definitely have to step out of my comfort zone in a lot of areas to make things work (which I desperately need to do). I think God has really been putting me in the position to work for him really hard, and I've honestly been trying. It is very easy to do when you have a couple good friends and Conan on an hour earlier.

If They Sky Opened Up and Started Pouring Rain...

I move into Lancaster tomorrow. I have definitely been provided with everything I need the last month or so. I guess just too much thinking about the bad and not the good?

I need to play shows now. It will get rid of that last little bit of torture I put myself through.

Very hopeful and doing alright, if you were wondering.

Make Me New Again, So I Can Be Clear and Conscious...

I have had a lot of neglect for the things I am really blessed with recently, so I apologize for that. Somehow we stumbled across a really sweet drummer, who reminds me a lot of the position I was in in high school. I have a lot of good friends. Daniel and Jamie are probably the two best dudes anyone could ask for, and everyone else who asks me to hang out, takes me to miserable soccer games or texts me random facts throughout the day, thanks.

And, I honestly am stoked for the future. I have more stuff ever I need to work for, and it just feels more doable this time. I think I have been blessed with the position I am in no matter how much I complain about it. I will be moving back to Lancaster next week-ish, but it's going to grant me a lot of opportunities that have been out of reach in the months prior to now. Hold On is something everyone involved with is both proud of and optimistic about. To be honest, it's the only thing I have going on for me right now, and I couldn't be more happy to work with that with the utmost dedication.

(Also, today I give respeck to my sandals. They went out on me, and tomorrow I have to make a stop by Lancaster's Courthouse and everyone who is hiring in that city. Wish me luck. Saying farewell to the beard, too. Minor curses won't cancel out the blessings though, eh?)

Take Me, Take Me Back To Your Bed, I Love You So Much That It Hurts My Head

I am setting realistic goals for myself. It's going to help.

blink 182's self titled disc has been my soundtrack today. This was always my favorite blink song.

Imagine all you could see if you just let yourself like me...

Things change a lot. Things I was happy about have changed, and things I needed to change might be doing just that. Am I happy with everything? Not quite yet. My current status with no job, giving plasma, girls, friends, music, living situations, my personal lack of skills, apathy, spirituality, location etc etc are all key factors in the way I've been feeling about life. And looking at my list of selfish gripes, most aren't even out of my control or are very likely to change soon. I can try to say that I have done things to change, but I have given up on that more or less than everything else in my life to date. It may sound like a rant (like whatever else I put on here), and my mind is all tangled from a miserable 3+ hour drive and lack of food and sleep in 48 hours, but what I need is friends. If you care to read this, you probably talk to me at least a couple times a week, just seek me out. Cheer me up. I don't appreciate anything enough.

I really am excited for the future...

Wake Me When Its Spring Time In Heaven...

When I get back in Ohio, I will be good at something....eventually....

Stop Selling to Yourself That You Want Control

I have pretty much been on a Name Taken kick for the last 2 years. This song is still a mystery to me, whether it is about faith or girls or whatever. Either way, I think it is very applicable to anyone.

Do you remember when you and I
Were less than us and we
Covered up what little was left of me
And became one in the same
The colors fading into nothing
The lines are blurring and escaping
I can't breathe alone
You know, you know
The better part of me is stolen
Whenever you go
We fell fast
Proved our fates wrong at last
With nothing left to show
We get up slow, Let it rest the more we know
It proves how long we'll last
The colors fading into nothing
The lines are blurring and escaping
I can't breathe alone
You know, you know
The better part of me is stolen
Whenever you go
Closer than before, Further than I've ever been from anyone
Closer than before, Further than I've ever been from anyone
Cover up, wrap your wrists in gauze
Fill your heart with causeIf it's real or not, no
Cover up, wrap your wrists in gauze
Fill your heart with causeIf it's real or not, no
The colors fading into nothing
The lines are blurring and escaping
I can't breathe alone
You know, you know
The better part of me is stolen
Whenever you go

There's No Revolution, So I Bought A Bride

I haven't wrote a blog in a while, not because i forgot to, but it was hard for me to write anything when I realize I don't really believe in anything. A lot has happened in the last few weeks that really made me change my opinions on everything.

The whole Dayton thing didn't work out. It's unfair to pinpoint it to a certain reason or person. While I love Dayton, and it definitely has its benefits geographically and in a business sense, it just wasn't meant for this time. It kind of ties into our whole band break up. Music is, of course, an important part of my life. We did the TNFN thing for around 5 years, and from the point of when we started to the point when we ended we accomplished most of the goals we set out on. At the same time, I'm a little disappointed in myself for not really putting all of what I had into it. For the last couple months I have been trying to figure out why I don't apply myself and say what I actually need to say. I have made small strides, between actually researching, studying, and applying the things I believe in in my everyday life, and talking about how I feel when I actually need to.

And while I may not be able to do this without sounding too cheesy, actually starting a relationship with someone is a very big deal to me. It's weird considering it has never been a part of my life at all. I have always put a very exact standard on who it would have to be and under what circumstances it would have to fall under. Simply, I just wanted a best friend and someone who actually cares about everything important, and the very few girls before now never got that. Now, since I have it the way I want it, I have to figure out how to make it work.

With my new band, and relationship with Joanne, it will be a lot of work finding a way for the things to coexist, especially since she has more going on in her life right now. Actually having to work for the things I want is just as exciting as scary. It is definitely a new start to my life and I really think I am blessed with the situation I am no matter how difficult it will be.

and oh yeah, daisy leaked (: the second albums this year I will have to buy

excuse the poor writing

Blanket of Ghosts

I have been annoyingly posting a lot of lyrics on myspace the last week, most of them from Thrice. So, to follow that trend, here are some lyrics from Dustin Kensrue that have caught my eye. It really relates to how I've been griping at myself lately.

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things im ashamed of feel like dear old st paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all whiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

You got to bring the hope back baby...

Music is obviously a big part of my life. The condition of music, however, is not in very good shape. To put its current state in perspective, I think my friend Dakotah summed it up better than I could. Dakotah doesn't sit away on myspace for hours looking at bands that he hates, he doesn't go to a plethora of local shows and see how saturated the scene is with sub-par metalcore acts, but, he has an idea of what is good. He went to warped tour for the first time, and while he enjoyed sets by bands such as All Time Low, he mentioned to me that he could tell bands like that were just around for the show, while others were actually around playing music for the passion of their message.

When I first started to really get into music, it didn't seem like there was much of a gimmick behind it. Molly and Jamie were also feeding me music such as The Ataris, Brand New, and Gatsby's American Dream, which I would consider gimmick free bands. Then, bands like Underoath came around. Nothing against Underoath, but they have spawned countless knockoffs such as The Devil Wears Prada, A Skylit Drive, and Attack Attack!. So, in short, I HATE THIS SCREAMO CRAP THAT IS DESTROYING MUSIC.

Seriously, there is good music out there, I'm guilty of buying into some of the lesser bands music has to offer, but there is still hope. Ben Folds and Thrice are still putting out cds, Senses Fail, like them or not, has not compromised what they do for the scene, and there are actual hardcore, metal, and screamo bands that aren't pooping out music for Rise Records.

So, instead of buying the new Breathe Carolina, get stoked that Rufio is putting out a new cd.

I've got bills to pay, tax men on my tail...

Why is it whenever I have to worry about something, it is usually money. So, we made all the money it took to get in our apartment, but now we have to worry about all of the rest of the bills we have. We all have cell phones, then insurance for the van, a payment on the van, and rent again in a month. Over $1000. Currently, three of us don't have jobs, and Mat isn't living with us. I know I need a job, and I'm pretty confident about getting one, but jobs don't pay you $250 the day after you start working for them. It's just frustration. I know where my priorities need to be in the next week, and I don't like it...

I am probably shaving today, not happy about it.

I'll take you wherever you want to go...

So, our tour, for the most part, is over. Some turns have made it not the best decision to finish the last week. While I'm bummed, it's a relieving situation, too. Of course, the big reason is finances. We are still playing some shows around our hometowns, so we actually have a home to go back to. I think morale was too low for some people in the camps to play any more crappy shows, too. It's not a matter of failing for this tour, though. We did two weeks pretty strongly considering the bad shows, and if I could I would do the same thing again. I love playing shows and there was opportunities to meet people at every show, I just don't know if myself among others took those opportunities. I have been without a phone charger for 3 days now, and its pathetically disheartening. I feel bad about having to rely on people for other things, and I know it's a huge burden to put on someone. And, to continue in rant form, it's very nice to have someone to talk to until your phone dies on a 6 hour trip from michigan from 10:30 pm to 4:30 am (:

You're not getting any sleep tonight....

It's a very disheartening thing knowing that when you get back home it might not be there. It has been a very trying week. At the top of the list, when we get back to Dayton, we might or might not have an apartment waiting for us. If we don't make enough money, I honestly don't know what I am going to do. We can't live on the streets and we can't go back to our old homes. How much I would love to move in with my mom and brother, that would just be a giant step backwards in my life. I have been really good at moving forward these last couple months, and I really feel like I am going in the right track. I just want to keep in that direction and stick with our all mighty plan to "make it happen". Joanne also referred me to Isaiah 41:10, while simple, gets the job done

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

whatever happens, I am happy with my life. Tour is halfway over, it's had it's ups and downs, but I've made some new best friends, learned a lot about shows, had a blast with the dudes I've already been best friends with, and listened to a lot of Thrice, Enter Shikari, and Park.

Somethings gone terribly wrong...

Last night we stayed in our van in Marion, Indiana. It was the first night we actually didn't have a place to stay, and to be honest, I was happy about this. It was the first time we weren't super comfortable on this tour. The last few shows haven't really been great, and morale for the majority is fairly low. It doesn't seem like some people have played the crappiest of shows. I'm more than happy to play shows every night, even if it means that you aren't playing for anyone at all, or people that don't necessarily want to hear you. Even being out on a tour where it's just mostly local shows, I know this is what I want to do for as long as I can. I want to not be lazy anymore and try to do things with shows to make them more successful. I guess I'm slowly learning these things little by little.

Yesterday the new Thrice cd leaked. I think it's the first time I've felt bad about downloading something in a long time.

Don't you dare tell me I'm not what you need now....

Today I am going to try and not prioritize my needs. I know it's something I need to start doing everyday, but baby steps will get me there. I need a new philosophy on how I live my life. I'm tired of being mediocre at everything. I'm tired of not being able to put anything into friendships. I'm tired of being timid and not going through with anything I plan. We have a lot of work left these last two weeks of tour if we are going to make this successful. I plan on doing whatever is possible to make that happen....

I'm not bored at all, you can call me when you want to call.....

This is one of the those days where I want to be proven wrong about everything I'm thinking.......

You broke me like a mirror....

Today was an off day for the tour. We couldn't really find a show, and were on the TSF boys stomping turf, so they all went their separate ways. It was a weird thing, because as soon as all of them were out of the house I immediately missed them. Casey, the fill-in bassist for They've Shot, left for a week to go on a family vacation while Brad returns for this week's string of shows. Probably a half hour after he left he texted all of us saying how he missed us already, and I felt relieved that I got to hear from him. It's a weird situation. Gabe called me to say how much he missed me, and like Casey, it was a very satisfying thing to hear from him even after a 5 hour dichotomy. We got to see Ryan and Joanne today too, probably the only two friends we have that aren't in They've Shot from this city, and I got hooked up with a sweet pair of flip flops. The way I feel about all these situations is very difficult to explain in blog form, especially since I cannot write well at all, but I really think we are on to something with these new friends we are making...

And you look so hot tonight, I'd swear you were steam....

I haven't been able to update as frequently as I would like because I haven't really had internet access for a few days. But anyway, we wrapped up the first week of our tour (two-ur for my Indiana friends). So far, it has been absolutely amazing, mostly just because of the company of our dudes in They've Shot. It's very rare that it's this easy to build a strong friendship with someone so quick. I really feel like with the few weeks we spend together all of us are going to grow even more spiritually and walk away with some new best friends. The shows have definitely all been fun too. I've got to hang out with some old friends who I don't get to see very often, because of distances between cities or states, and definitely meeting people outside of bands that I am stoked to see where the relationships will go. You will probably get a less tired, more detailed version of this tomorrow. Excuse the poor writing.

Stay sweet

These instrument cases look like coffins to me...

So, when we were on our way to our show in New Castle tonight (the dead zone of the planet for cell phone service and mobile internet) we popped in Mhmmm by Relient K, mostly because Mat claimed he didn't like them. That just don't fly with us. Anyway, Relient K is one of those bands that makes me realize how horrible of a person I am. As cheesy as it sounds, every song nearly brought me to tears, and reminded me of how crappy I prioritize the relationships in my life. It's depressing....

Build me a better you...

So, yesterday we started what will probably be our first successful attempt at a tour. 30 miles before we got to Emerson, our destination for the "kickoff show", our alternator went out on us. Mat, Josh, Shelvie, and me were forced to walk over a mile (most of it in the rain) to a Burger King to be picked up by Zach of They've Shot Flanigan. I'm pretty sure while walking my toe picked up a midwestern form of the jungle rot, but we got to Emerson okay, and the van was fixed. Above all, I think yesterday was a day of many blessings. Our van is fixed and in perfect condition for the rest of tour, the show at Emerson was phenomenal, and we met a lot of sweet people and bands at the show. Now, it's time to enjoy some musical stylings of Park in Mason from TSF's very nice home before the next show.

Stay Sweet.

Introduction

I'm going to start updating this more frequently within the next week. It will probably be filled up with stuff from shows, tour, and the most important things in my life I like to complain about like religion, friends and the state of music and entertainment. Hopefully I learn to cut off my run on sentences...